An Open Letter to Teens

Hi,

I’m Allie, and I work as a child and adolescent therapist. As a therapist, I get to be the person some of you trust to help navigate challenging times. I love my job because I feel like the work that clients and I do together helps to improve the quality of their lives. Truth be told, watching their courage and success in overcoming their challenges and developing insight improves my quality of life and gives me hope for the future.

As a teen, you know one of your primary jobs is to go to school and be educated. But this is also a critical time in your life when you discover your own identity. Therapists call this process “individuation.” It basically means it’s a time to examine your life and decide who you are as a person, separate from your parents or caregivers. You make decisions about the beliefs with which you’ve been raised; you decide which you will keep and which you will let go.

You are also navigating many new situations and experiences, receiving endless feedback not just from parents and teachers, but from peers and social media. During this stage of life, many teens value what their peers think more than their parents. Many of you still want the approval of your parents. You may say or act like it isn’t important to you, but deep down it usually is important. Physically, your body and brain, are continuing their development.

Being a teen is hard, no doubt about it. You are caught in the middle, between independence and still needing to rely on and comply with the rules of your family. You are navigating a world of people with strong opinions on politics, abortion, gun control, sex, drugs, and war. You lived through a pandemic with constant debates about vaccines, masks, and business and school closures.

With all these major life tasks and expectations, and the current social/political climate it is no wonder the statistics paint an alarming picture of the mental health of teens in America. The data reveal that teens today are more depressed and anxious than any other teen group in American history. This decline in teen mental health was present prior to the pandemic but worsened afterward.

My message to you in the face of all this: Hold on. In a world where it seems, there is an instant answer to every question, it might not seem natural to wait. But give yourself time – hold on – when struggling with negative emotions, difficult scenarios, and dark feelings. Believe it or not, things can change and you can change, but it does take time. By holding on you are also teaching yourself the ability to bounce back from hard things. You are learning to tolerate sadness, rejection, and disappointment. Those are critical life skills.

I recently saw a client who was feeling very depressed about not getting an invitation to join a club. She felt upset and rejected, discouraged that she had put forth so much effort and moved out of her comfort zone without achieving her goal. She already felt socially anxious and the failure to receive an invitation highlighted her insecurities. During our conversation, she revealed she was having some suicidal thoughts (although no plan). I encouraged her to hold on, reminding her that her feelings will change, and the situation will get better. Many hours after we spoke, she got the invitation to join the group after all. If she hadn’t had the courage to keep trying, she would have missed the good part. Remember that. *

Here are the two pieces of advice I have to offer teens

1)Talk to someone - If you need help, I want to encourage you to talk to someone. Asking for help is a life skill and many adults find it challenging to do so themselves.

Choose a parent, a relative, a pastor, a teacher, a friend, a social worker, or a guidance counselor. If you cannot talk with any of those people call 988 the National Mental Health Crisis Line. Make a connection, and let someone know what you are thinking. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is pain transferred, not pain resolved. (These are not Allie’s originals, but they are important to remember!)

2)Consider a break from social media - Understanding the role social media plays in changing your emotions is critical. If you are feeling anxious, depressed, lonely, or overwhelmed, consider taking a short break from social media.

Tell your friends you are taking a tech break so no one is upset about your lack of responses or worries about what happened to you. You can challenge them – or even your parents – to do the same. You can set a time limit of 24 or 48 hours to start, then pay attention to how you feel during this time.

Do you feel less/more anxious? Do you feel more/less happy or sad? Do you spend less time comparing yourself, your looks, your achievements, your social status, and your possessions to others? Remember, people usually post the best things about their life on social media, not the worst. It’s not real. It’s like a museum of their life; they don’t show you the scary stuff in the closet.

So remember: Hold on. Ask for help, talk to a friend, and take a break from social media when you can. Practice kindness toward each other and toward yourself. You have the power to change the culture. Just give yourself the time.

Best,

Allie Burke, LCSW

Editor: R. Barger

© Allie Burke, LCSW 2023

*Some details have been altered to protect the privacy of the client.