An Open Letter to People Learning to Tolerate Change & Uncertainty

“Learn to be uncomfortable, it might save your life.” Those were the words that I said out the window to my husband and children who were preparing to socialize, in a socially distant way, with their grandparents for the first time after the shelter in place orders ended in our state. We had all spoken earlier about how uncomfortable it is to wear a mask but agreed that science has demonstrated wearing a mask reduces the spread of Covid-19. If they wanted to enjoy the company of extended family, they would need to experience some discomfort.

We are all trying to adjust to the new safety rules required to be physically close during the time of social distancing, and political and cultural change. The rules seem to range from the common sense level of washing hands and not sharing food or drinks to the more awkward level of wearing a mask, staying six feet apart, or staying outside. These are the steps we rehearsed and which have become the mantra of my motherhood.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that “learn to be uncomfortable” is really good life advice. Learning to tolerate discomfort around people and situations that push us outside of our comfort zones is what ultimately helps us grow. To say it differently: tolerating discomfort and uncertainty, being able to manage feelings and behaviors that arise from uninitiated or undesired change, is what builds grit and resilience. Grit, otherwise known as courage and resolve, is one of the things that we know we will need to recover from the fear and change thrust upon us by Covid-19.

Covid-19 has made many of us uncomfortable in a variety of ways. We have had to rethink how we do business, how we administer healthcare and how we educate children, for example. We have found a new appreciation for the role that grocery, factory and healthcare workers play in our lives. We are all dependent on each other, like it or not. When stay-at-home orders first went into effect, it was our ability to handle the discomfort that determined how well we coped with the changes and restrictions. Now, as we navigate the uncertainty of the election and continue to battle the pandemic and civil unrest as a result of systemic racism, let us be reminded that it will be that same courage and resolve, that same grit, that helps us navigate our way through a shifted landscape once again.

If your goal in life is to always be comfortable, then I wish you well as we are on different paths. While I don’t always embrace the uncomfortable times, I am learning to accept them more with every day, and develop more adaptations. I think it’s important to draw a distinction between safety and comfort. We all deserve to feel safe and have our basic needs met. Comfort reflects more of a preference, how much we can tolerate the unknown or a lack of control. Many of us enjoy feeling comfortable, but to establish that as an end goal seems very short sighted at least at this point in my life. Tolerating a measure of emotional discomfort can also open the door to opportunity. A willingness to peek beyond the threshold of the familiar and certain can lead us to new experiences and perspectives we might not have enjoyed otherwise. If I had not embraced and accepted discomfort in my life I would not have my family, my business, some of my friendships or half my courage, tenacity - grit.

During one of the most uncomfortable and painful periods of my life I read a quote attributed to James Lane Allen which said, “Adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it.” Perhaps the same can be said about sustained comfort. All of the magic and growth in my life has happened well outside my comfort zone. What about you?

Best,

Allie Burke, LCSW

Editor: Rebecca Cavanaugh-Barger

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