An Open Letter to Students

Students in the Age of Covid-19,

I don’t have to tell you that this school year is different. You know it because you are wearing a mask or attending school remotely. The rules of how and where you enter your school, where to sit and how you see your teachers are likely to be different as well. Many of you will only see teachers and fellow students on screens and apps. You are the students of the Covid-19 pandemic. Last year the “normal” school year ended abruptly, isolating you from your peers and teachers and depriving you of many special rites of passage, from graduations and proms, to sports, plays and field trips. You might not even have had a chance to say goodbye.

I have worked with kids my whole career as a social worker, therapist and coach. I often tell people that I have the best job on the planet because I get to work with kids and help make a difference in their lives. One of the things that I do with kids is help them figure out how to successfully manage school and life. We talk about challenges and successes, strategies for managing expectations and how to develop the skills of resilience.

As we approach this new academic year, these are the things that I am discussing with my clients ages 10-25 to help them adjust to “Covid school.”

1) Acknowledge that everyone is a bit nervous and/or anxious. No one really knows what to expect, we are figuring it out as we go. It is normal to feel a little nervous about going back into your school. Those participating in remote learning may feel overwhelmed with new programs and systems to follow while feeling isolated from meaningful contact with peers and teachers. Those attending in person may worry about bringing Covid home and getting their grandparents or family members sick. Others feel like the new safety guidelines keep them from connecting with friends and enjoying the fun parts of school. Of course, while the strategies of social distancing such as wearing masks and washing hands regularly might seem annoying, they are scientifically shown to reduce risks, which will help us all get back on track faster.

The prolonged stress of the pandemic can also have an effect on our brains. Stress makes it harder to be clear-minded and to pay attention. It can make it harder to get things done, like finishing homework or doing chores. When you can, build extra time into your schedule for completing tasks to help compensate for this.

2) Practice Intentional kindness, to yourself and others. You are not expected to be an expert at “Covid school,” especially not overnight. If you make mistakes, feel overwhelmed, forget something or have trouble staying focused, don’t be too hard on yourself. New habits and skills take time to develop and mistakes are usually part of the process.

What does being kind to yourself look like? It looks like forgiving yourself for mistakes and recognizing negative self-talk, those messages you send yourself that say you’re not good enough or must meet an ideal standard. Sometimes it helps to think, “Is this something I would say to a friend?” If it isn’t, it’s probably not something you should say to yourself, either. Being kind to yourself also means making decisions that set you up for a better outcome. These can include getting enough sleep, getting out of the house, moving your body in some way and recognizing that too much social media or screen time is unhealthy and can negatively impact your mental health.

Research shows us that exercising and limiting screen time help to combat feelings of depression and there is an increase in depression among kids who spend too much time on social media. Practicing self-kindness also means not comparing yourself to the people whose lives play out on TikTok and Instagram.

Let me be clear, nearly everything you see on social media is a person’s carefully edited highlights. Real life is nothing like what is posted. Social media posts are a projected image of what people would like their life to be or what they want others to see, not the mistakes or hardships along the way. You most often do not see loneliness, drug abuse, depression, anxiety or feelings of being overwhelmed.

Remember to also be kind to those around you. It doesn’t matter how smart you are if you lack kindness. The adults around you, including your teachers and parents, are probably doing their best. They too will make mistakes and need your understanding and consideration as much as you need theirs. Parents and teachers are really stressed about the school year, too. You know this, cut them a little slack when you can.

3) Ask for help before you are too far behind on assignments. Asking for help is a skill and it is often something many people have a hard time doing, whether they are 10 or 100. Oftentimes my clients will wait until they have a D or an F in a subject to ask for help, or worse they don’t ask for help and their parents find out about missed assignments and poor grades or attendance when the situation has worsened. This often ends up with the student getting in trouble or lectured, losing privileges or feeling badly about themselves.

Many kids don’t ask for help out of embarrassment or not wanting their parents to be angry (or even worse, right about something). The changes in how we interact with each other may make it confusing or intimidating to figure out a comfortable approach. Some people avoid seeking help because it seems like a hassle and it would be easier to ignore the problems....this strategy never works.

The ability to do ask for help is a necessary life skill. Any great leader, athlete or successful person will tell you that learning how, and being able to ask for, and accept help is as important to success as skill and knowledge. Further, almost every teacher welcomes questions as show of engagement and effort. Consider all the different options, from direct questions during a class, to checking in during office hours or just sending an email. Finding the right strategy for you can make the process easier.

When are some good times to reach out to teachers or parents? Any time you feel confused or overwhelmed it’s appropriate to speak up. You can ask for clarification on an assignment or schedule, if you have difficulty finding the right materials or need assistance with a new skill or subject.

4) Find a way to connect with friends in a way that is socially distant and keeps everyone safe. As kids, teens and young adults, spending time with your friends is critical to your development. Research shows us that connecting with others helps us all to feel less alone and isolated in a world that has changed so much so quickly. It may require some creative planning, but there are ways to build new memories, whether in person at an outdoor event, online with group chats or video sharing, or anyway that keeps everyone safe and healthy.

5) If you are feeling overwhelmed:

a) Taking 10 deep breaths, in through your nose like you are smelling a flower and breathe out like you are blowing out birthday candles.

b) Go for a walk, run, bike ride, do yoga or anything physical.

c) Try using one of the adult coloring books, it has been shown to produce the same effects in the brain as meditation.

d) Talk to a trusted adult. Let someone know that you feel overwhelmed. Often just talking about it out loud helps to lessen the emotion of any situation.

e) Talk to your friends and see if they are having similar experiences. Knowing someone else is in the same boat can ease the burden and help underscore the fact that You Are Not Alone.

Wishing you all health, happiness and success in the 2020-2021 school year.

Best,

Allie Phillips-Burke, LCSW

All Rights Reserved 2020

Edited by R. Cavanaugh-Barger

(A special note of thanks to my editor, Rebecca. As working mom assigned to jury duty this week, three kids returning to school and the stresses of normal life, she made this piece possible. She is an important partner in this process and it could not be done without her.)