An Open Letter to Parents of School Age Children

Fellow Parents,

The struggle IS real. With each passing day, during each conversation I have with clients who are parents, I acknowledge a basic truth of our lives mid-pandemic: parents are tired and stressed, and we haven't even started the school year yet. In addition to the normal stresses of life, such as work, bills, raising kids, doing laundry, making dinner and keeping our families healthy, the pandemic produces its own psychological strain as well. Further, many of us are now wondering if schools will open full-time, part-time or at all, and what will be the best and safest choice we have for our children’s education.

I am a therapist and coach who specializes in working with children, adolescents and families to navigate the challenges of life and raising kids, none of whom come with a manual. Parenting is the hardest job on the planet but also the most important. Pandemic parenting should come with a medal, or wine. As a therapist I have been strategizing with parents and students to help set themselves up for success as we enter a school year like no other. As the likelihood is high in most school districts for some level of virtual learning, it’s important to take time to strategize ways to finesse the experience for the best possible outcome. Here are some of the things that I have encouraged my clients to do in preparation:

1) Start the Conversation - Many kids with whom I have spoken felt like it was hard for them to be successful at online learning following their experiences in the spring. As a result, they have some concerns going into this school year. Kids with anxiety and ADHD or other issues which impede learning may have an even more difficult time adjusting. It’s important to take time to start the conversation about the upcoming school year, now. Review the changes as they are provided by your school district so your child has as much information as possible about schedules, expectations and accommodations in advance. Ask kids what part they anticipate will be most challenging, and what they are most looking forward to in order to get them thinking and talking.

2) If your children are going to a school where mask wearing is required for long periods of time, please start practicing now - Children and teens will need to build up their tolerance to wearing masks for long periods of time. Now is the time to start shaping and developing their behavior. You can review mask-wearing practices (i.e., how to take them on and off correctly, maybe consider a breakaway lanyard so they don’t lose or contaminate masks during breaks). Practice makes progress. If, as a parent you have previously verbalized frustration about having to wear masks, now is a good time to have a conversation to convey the message that while masks may be uncomfortable or annoying, they have a role to play in everyone’s safety and should be worn according to the rules of the school. As parents we don’t want mask wearing to become the focus of a behavior issue in school. We have the opportunity to provide support to our kids now, so they will be successful later.

3) Create a workspace - If your child will be learning from home for any portion of their week, it is important for them to have a designated workspace. Ideally, children should not be working from their beds and can be spread out enough so that they can focus and not be distracting to each other, but not so much that they have no oversight. It may be a good strategy to engage your child in organizing their own workspace or desk so that they feel a sense of ownership and readiness for the new year. Getting your kids' input might even tip you off to preferences that help your kids feel more comfortable with the learning process, such as specific backgrounds for all those video classes or more supportive chairs. This may also help them to feel more invested in the new year and new structure of learning.

4) Scheduling – Once your school district releases final schedules, consider having kids use an online calendar or other easily accessible system to track assignments and classes. This helps keep all the information they need available at their fingertips and makes it easier to monitor progress. You can work with your kids to sync calendars with the family system as a way to increase the visibility of your child’s school day and assignments as well, while still giving them responsibility for updating the information for schedule and assignments. This strategy reinforces some of the executive function skills necessary for kids to be successful at school, and to become adults who can be successful and responsible in business, time management, planning and communication.

5) Walk your kids to school or drop them off - Reassure your child that you will help them the first day, whether that means driving them to school and dropping them off or walking them to their desk and supervising the steps for classroom log-ons and attendance. Consider test-driving the technology for e-learning to make sure they can hear and be heard, see and be seen. If possible, practice all the steps they’ll need to take during sessions, such as managing changes in audio, breakout rooms and chat participation.

6) Consider purchasing a large monitor and noise cancelling headphones for your child as tools for their educational success. If you cannot afford to do so, ask your teacher or school social worker to provide you with some referrals of programs in your neighborhood or community who might be able to help.

7) Develop and review expectations regarding daily schedules during the school year and start implementing those schedules now. Don’t wait until the night before school to start shifting your child’s sleep schedule, for example. Decide now what time kids will need to wake up on school days. If kids are not leaving the house it is important to remind them that they are still attending school in some form and need to be dressed and ready to learn by a set time and in bed at a set time. You can also set expectations for asynchronous work and break times to head off problems down the road. If your kids are older it is appropriate to include them in the conversation about schedules to increase their buy-in. This ensures that even if you can't get agreement from your kids (which is most desirable) you can get an acknowledgement about the expectation. Having those conversations now will reduce stress later.

8) Tech Central - Decide on a place in the home that children - of all ages - will put tablets, handheld video game consoles and phones not used for completing school work during school hours. Help set up your kids for success by creating a behavioral and environmental structure that reminds them of school. If their teachers don’t allow cell phones, video-games and tablets at their desks in school, that should be the standard at home as well.

9) Assign a chore - Consider how you can increase your child(ren)’s executive functions by having them make a meal or do their own laundry, for example. Taking responsibility for age-appropriate chores strengthens and builds executive functioning the areas of planning, task management, organization all while teaching responsibility.

10) Breathe and color to reduce stress and anxiety and produce calm - While it seems too simple to be true, we know that deep, slow breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system which helps us to reduce stress and anxiety. Adult coloring books, which of course can be used for children as well, produce the same effects in the brain as meditation, as evidenced on brain scans, because of the prolonged singular focus of attention. If you’re not a fan of coloring, consider a similar activity to allow yourself time and space to breathe and meditate.

As parents, we know how important it is for our children to be educated in a structured and productive way. We also know that our sanity is critical. One of the things that we have an opportunity to do during this pandemic is to teach our children resilience, a necessary skill for dealing with stress and trauma successfully. As a parent and therapist, I encourage you to take a few steps back and a few deep breaths as you approach the new school year. Prioritize and set realistic expectations for your self and your children. Recognize and accept that things will be different than previous years and it will take time to adjust, no matter how much preparation we take.

One of the greatest lessons children can learn is how to deal with adversity, and they will look to our example for how to do this. The ability to do this is what teaches entitlement or hard work; privilege or practice, success or failure. Wishing you and your family, peace, laughter, love and resilience.

Best,

Allie Burke, LCSW

All Rights Reserved 2020

Editor: Rebecca Cavanaugh Barger